the one about Godot

Chances are, you don't have a degree in theatre.

But you've still probably heard of Waiting for Godot or at least it's Nobel Prize-winning playwright Samuel Beckett. The Times (London)--and I'm pulling this quote off the back cover here--called it, "One of the most noble and moving plays of our generation, a threnody of hope deceived and deferred but never extinguished..." (Yeah, I had to look up "threnody" too.)

Basically, all you need to know is that two guys seem to wait day after day for a man named Godot who never shows up.

Although the play was originally written in French (and the play-on-words doesn't work in French), many people see Godot as a symbol for God... and that the title could very easily be Waiting for Godot.

I feel like I've been waiting on God for a long time.

To clarify, I feel like I've been waiting for God to bring me into the destiny as an artist that I've been called to. I can look back at my life and see how much I've grown and how much He's prepared me for this job... but a lot of times I wonder if it's even coming.

I'm sure you feel or have felt the same way, too.

"There's gotta be more to it than this."

"How much longer can I go before I decide that I was wrong?"

"Sure, dreams can change, but isn't that just a cop out for quitting what you loved first?"

Whether or not you're a surviving artist, these are big questions even when the biggest questions about meaning and eternity seem figured out.

However, right now, I seem to be waiting less on God (which I was sort of getting used to, in a manner of speaking), and waiting more on people.

In mid-September I had an audition for Tokyo Disney. This would be a huge 13-month commitment with no home leave, beginning next spring. A big change, a big risk, but a big opportunity.

Now, I already work for the Mouse, subbing in the "Celebrate: A Street Party" parade. I made it through every round of cuts until they took my measurements, pictures, contact info, etc. They even gave me their contact info (so you know they're serious). Casting decisions were supposed to be finished by "the 2nd week of October."

But that didn't happen.

A couple weeks ago, I started trying to make contact with people in casting. I finally got a hold of someone Stateside who said they are still in the process of making offers but should be wrapped up by the end of the month.

Well, that hasn't happened either.

And I haven't wanted to throw myself into staying or leaving since I don't know what I'm doing. But I can't just sit around for weeks that turn into months waiting on people.

So, I'm deciding (as I type this, really) to pursue a manager, become SAG-eligible, save up the $2277 to become SAG, get into acting/dance/voice classes, work out (ugh...), etc.

I want to make myself available to God, but I also want to make myself the best instrument possible for my craft.

I don't really love absurdist theatre (helloooo! ...it's absurd!), but I do appreciate how The Times mentioned that for all its search for beauty in life's uncertainty and even pain, Waiting for Godot is about a hope "never extinguished."

Reminds me of something I once read...

Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.

A mere mortal

From the City of Angels

Livin his dream

the one about Marc

I know it's the gloomy weather.

Partly, anyway.

But I regularly go through seasons where I feel, mm, not depressed, but sort of disappointed, I suppose.

For a long time, I didn't know how to describe how I felt. Then, several years ago, a friend introduced me to singer Marc Broussard. I connected to his music on several levels. A) He's blue-eyed soul. B) Half his songs are romantic and of much more intimate and mature fare than the Top 40 I've grown to love/hate. C) The other half of his songs expressed exactly how I feel in those "down" times.

As I read up a bit on Marc, a music critic described the feeling exactly:

World-weary.

That's so spot-on for how I feel. And it's weird cuz I'm not cynical. I'm not old. I'm in my young 20's and I'm freakin already world-weary.

...Huh?

I've boiled it down to the reason why--

Recently, I saw my very first midnight tribute showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I'd wanted to go for a long time cuz I'm a theatre kid who's never seen it. Plus, Glee is doing a Rocky Horror episode this week... and I didn't wanna be clueless. So we dressed up. And went.

It was *crazy*.

And so much fun. If you've never been, I can hardly describe it as anything else. Well, maybe "insane." But that's the same. There's at least an hour of pre-show ritual, then two hours of movie with time warping, leather, transvestites, Meatloaf, singing, the throwing of water into the audience, the throwing of insults at the screen, the throwing of toilet paper, a young Susan Sarandon (way way before Thelma and Louise), and aliens.

Yes, aliens.

Then I flew to the annual epic Halloween party of my adopted Maryland family.

It, too, was *crazy*.

And so much fun. Catered food, at the very least 50+ cardboard cutouts of iconic film characters, a dj and dance floor, a photographer, costumes everywhere, musical theatre performances, swimming, and a drag performance by a straight man.

And in all of these over-the-top experiences of merriment, silliness and sheer craziness, God gave me the two-part reason for my world-weariness:

The world has so so much to offer. Yet this world has nothing for me.

I've had so much fun bonding with people over common experiences--and I'm not denying the importance of relationships with people--yet outside of eternal significance,

it's all pointless.

It's like, "Ecclesiastes. Dude, hi."

Which is why I *have* to act. I have a mission statement:

1) To develop and rock the talent God has given me, in order
2) To bring an experience of God as he really is to the artists and creators of Hollywood, and
3) To empower like-minded Christian artists do the same.

I pray that my mission facilitates conversations and relationships and experiences of eternal significance. Cuz aside from that, what's life's? Just Marc Broussard's world-weary songs? Y'know?

A mere mortal

From the City of Angels

Livin his dream

the one about Beverly

God is hysterically funny sometimes.

Let me tell you a story. A story about an acting teacher I once had:

More than two years ago, early summer, my fraternity brother and I were walking to dinner when a woman in possibly her late 50s approached us. She was a black woman, about 5'2", visibly not homeless, her graying hair pulled back into a bun.

She told us her name was Beverly.

She asked us if either of us had AAA Premium (or something like that) because she needed her car to be towed. The understanding was that this premium level of AAA service allowed for the member to not be present at the site where the tow truck would come, but since neither my brother nor I had this status, it was a moo point. Her car was several blocks away, had already been ticketed for leaking anti-freeze into the environment, and was in danger of being towed by law enforcement to the tune of a couple hundred dollars. If she could get it towed herself, she could could get the job done for about eighty.

She was only $34 short.

Beverly asked, "Could you do a favor for a schoolteacher?"

I told her that if she followed me to an ATM nearby, I could get her the money she needed. She was very grateful and, the entire walk to the machine, she told us about how rewarding an experience teaching is. An earthquake had just happened in L.A., and Beverly explained how she had taught her elementary students about fault lines and earthquake magnitude. She even told us that she once had a student graduate high school and come back and thank her years later.

When we arrived at the ATM, she took my phone number. She told me that, when she was safe at home, she would call me, let me know she was home, and get my money back to me. I withdrew $40, and we parted ways, and Beverly walked out of my life.

As my bro and I entered the dining establishment, it dawned on me that it was quite possible that I would never see that money again and that everything I had just heard was a lie. I waited for a phone call, but of course none ever came.

I'd been conned.

Not only that, but I was an easy con.

I was so angry that I decided to tell myself that I had invested $40 into acting lessons because, indeed, Beverly (if that's even her real name), was a brilliant actress who played her part just as well as she'd played me!

I told God that he'd have to make up that $40 to me someday. I'm pretty sure I'll be waiting on that $40 for a long time....*sighs*.....

But tonight, in the grocery store parking lot, after more than two years, I was again approached by Beverly! She looked exactly the same.

And she didn't recognize me......

Half of me wanted to choke her and yell, "I've dreamed about this night, now where's my $40, b****!"

But of course, I didn't.

She told me she "needed a tow."

She asked me how school was.

She asked me for "some part of $34."

She asked if I had an ATM card on me.

I lied.

But I gave her 75 cents. (My good friend thinks it's outlandish that I gave her any money at all the 2nd time! But I was so fascinated that I wanted to hear her out again.)

I let her borrow my cell phone so she could call her "sick husband and let him know where I am." (I'll probably call that # tomorrow just out of curiosity.)

Then Beverly proceeded to give me a life lesson on respecting the work that women do. Then we parted ways.

If I see her again, maybe I'll confront her about the incident from two years ago. But maybe she's some sort of humorous messenger from God sent to give me acting lessons and life lessons.

Y'never know.

Whatever.

PS--I'm in a PSA. See if you can spot me. Hint: Look for Vanessa Hudgens. :)

Laters, everyone!

A mere mortal

From the City of Angels

Livin his dream

the one about Questions

Ever realize that God doesn't really answer the why's?

I mean, the Bible answers "what." Nature and the world answer "where." The Holy Spirit generally answers "who" and "when." But rarely do we get a "why" answer.

Why does God choose *not* to act?

Why do I keep making stupid decisions (Rom 7)?

Why won't she choose Jesus?

Why do I go to dance auditions only to have them cut the good people?

Why can't life ever be simple?

Why *don't* I have a girlfriend?

Why does my Christian sister keep getting bad news, blow after blow after blow?

And it seems to me that the way we handle these non-answers really shapes our personal faith. So, I get it. That's the reason why we don't get our why's answered.

So before I blog myself into confusion, let me just give the highs and lows of what's been up with me, so you know where all these questions are coming from. I started work at a restaurant adjacent to campus (high--I really need the money and benefits). But it kinda sorta conflicted with the extra work I was doing and I got fired from Central Casting (low--even though extra work didn't mean that much to me). I performed in my hip hop team's dance showcase (high--it was awesome), except I have no idea whether or not my agent came like he said he would (low--he was nowhere to be found after the show). I submitted my online audition for Glee (high--please watch it and give me a gold star!), but I'm pretty positive the casting will not be done off online videos (low--I need a real live audition from my less-than-communicative agent). Yesterday, I had my first day as a parade performer at Disneyland (high--even though it was modified for the rain). It's also the toughest mission field I can think of and two of my role models are moving out of state (low--what am I gonna do?!) I also told camp that I'd be back for two weeks in August and I'm super-stoked (high--I miss my campers and know that God wants me back there).

So, needless to say, lots of questions.

Please pray for me. Pray for my mission field.

A mere mortal

From the City of Angels

Livin his dream

the one about Steam

I never thought God would use the random Asian guy to grab my face and point it heavenward.

For the past couple months, I've wrestled with a lack of clear spiritual.... *squints eyes looking for the right word* ...task. You may have read my previous blogs and picked up that the transition out of college hasn't come easily to me. I don't wanna just work on my own spiritual growth.

I've lacked a certain... focus, I guess. And it made me feel disconnected. Just a little. Just enough to be slightly off-putting. This manifested itself for me in a weird spiritual haze.

I experienced a steam room recently (for the first time in a looooong time) at a bro's apartment complex. We were the only ones in the room and we sat at opposite corners. As the steam filled the room, it became more difficult to see him and, in the end, we could hardly see our feet much less the other person. However, the lines of communication were still 100% open. I knew he was there. I could hear him. He told me to look at the ceiling and breathe--which I couldn't do without coughing--and I could hear him laugh at me. But I couldn't see him.

I even went to the Dream Center and heard a very powerful message about taking time out specifically to do nothing except let God love me.

(That's one of the most difficult things ever. If you can, take five minutes to do nothing but let Him love you.

Don't apologize,

don't ask forgiveness,

don't renew failed commitments.

He knows all that. You'll work on it later.

Just let Him love you.

This five minutes could change your life.)

This time at church blew my mind, but I still felt somehow disconnected.

But tonight at AGO, there was a random Asian guy in the prayer room. (Eventually, I learned his name, but that's irrelevant right now.) He heard me singing a JB song and wanted to know if I was down for an impromptu jam/worship sesh. I was. He played guitar, suggesting that we start with an improv'd worship song. Already stoked at God's goodness (because I finally got a job! yeay! and because I had just finished leading the pledge class Bible study), the thankfulness in my heart for God's grace and faithfulness just poured out. Not like in the worship songs I've sung for the past two months. No, this was different. It took this unplanned, heartfelt worship to grab my face and walk me through the steam until I could clearly see the face of my Savior.

In this interim time, in this meantime, one task comes to the forefront: to focus on Christ. To adore Him and become more like him. Maybe this means ravenous reading of the Scriptures. Maybe this means writing songs and poems about how He makes me feel. Maybe this means doing some things that may draw some judgment from people I care about.

Whatever it takes... I'll do freakin anything to become more Christlike.

I never thought God would use the random Asian guy to grab my face and point it heavenward.

But He did.

Thanks, God.

(And thanks, random Asian guy.)

A mere mortal

From the City of Angels

Livin his dream

the one about Dreams

So much has happened. I feel so cool to be in Los Angeles, no longer a student, living the dream.

Then again, nothing's happened, really.

It's weird--making this transition where, after 18 years of my life being filled with classes, I no longer have to be in school. After 2 1/2 years of my spiritual life being largely invested in AGO and USC's spiritual well-being, I no longer have that to pour into. After several years of studying acting, I'm now out in the industry. And after roughly 7 years of working, my only job right now is finding a job.

However, I now have an agent. ...Finally. Not just one that's representing me commercially, but theatrically too. One that's SAG/AFTRA franchised.

I also have put in probably about fifteen job applications at different places nearby, have had interviews at two different places and have a second interview at one of them tomorrow.

Plus, this weekend, I was the personal PA (production assistant) to the director of the musiCares benefit concert at the LA Convention Center--which allowed me industry experience and the privilege to be in the presence of music legends/greats like Neil Young, Sheryl Crow, Keith Urban, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Josh Groban, Tony Bennett, Lady Antebellum, Elton John, etc.

And I ordered new headshots.

So, steps in the right direction. Even though I don't feel like I've hit any real mile markers yet.

I guess I'm just coming to realize how much of the dream is me, working. I mean, Dad often says, "You can't do God's part, and He won't do your part." I just feel as though I've been working and waiting forever.

My friend slash fellow dancer, Kristy Cavinder, became the 1st runner-up in the Miss America pageant last night. She was sensational. Gorgeous. She's got amazing grades (as a pre-med student, not the easiest!), wants to be a pediatric heart surgeon, is the most spectacular ballet dancer I've ever personally seen, has loads of poise and self-confidence, and loves Jesus.

But she didn't win.

All that homework and practice and performing and studying and more practice.

And she hasn't... "arrived."

And that's a good thing. How sad would it be to have arrived at age 21? Where's the rest of one's life go?

So, good for her... and good for me, too. Pastor Matthew said today, "The only way to have longevity in your dream is to have confidence in the God of your dream." We constantly work and strive to protect and achieve our dreams, but the destination will never be reached and the journey's gonna pretty much suck without our confidence resting in Him.

Only

in

Him.

A mere mortal

From the City of Angels

Livin his dream

the one about Beginnings

*In this particular entry, I mean no offense to anyone, but I mince no words or feelings. Please read to the end and hear my heart.*

Zechariah 4:6, 10 "...It is not by force nor by strength, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies... Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin...”

Today, out of Christian duty, I finally watched the film Fireproof.

Hated it. Hated it. *Hated* it.

Well, love-hated it, actually. I loved laughing at it.

After which, my love turned to hate.

The Sherwood Picture is created by the Alex and Stephen Kendrick team that made Facing the Giants. Most of the cast for Giants was made of volunteer actors from Sherwood Baptist Church in Albany, Georgia. And for its $100,000 budget, it grossed over $10M. Not bad. From what I can tell, Fireproof wasn't much different in its production budget. Except it has Kirk Cameron starring instead of Alex Kendrick. *rolls eyes*

But amateur filmmakers + script with nauseating dialogue + Podunk actors = pitiful pandering

Adding a "Christian" label is a travesty of Christianity that, for me, spells embarrassment.

Crawl-in-a-hole,

embarrassed-to-be-a-Christian,

mortification.

Now, I get that the makers of the film aren't looking to earn any awards with their films. They're aiming to make a wholesome alternative entertainment for Christians. They aren't trying to turn heads in Hollywood.

But that's what's happening.

Whether or not the film is made for Christians, the secular world sees films like this and says, "What a joke! Christianity

is

a

joke."

And it sickens and aggravates me.

Now, of course the flipside to the coin is this: How did I expect them to do better? They truly and honestly did the very best with what they had. Thousands and thousands of families enjoyed these films.

You have to start somewhere.

And I don't have to defend God to the world.

Zechariah 4:6,10. I get all that. I get it. But as a Christian actor, I'm just not sure I can stomach it. Especially when there are films like Amazing Grace that are arguably equally as uplifting and faith-based.

So, *gets on knees* here's my foundational, pretty-pretty-please-take-heed advice for Christian filmmakers on a budget. I say this because it universally applies to film and theatre of all genres and all budgets:

Your first job MUST be to tell a story! NO EXCEPTIONS.

Stories can have Christian themes or messages. But messages--secular, Christian, or otherwise--disguised in film clothing fall flat, feel fake, pander.

Outside of that, I can't ask for anything else. I pray God uses Christian films to bring glory to His name. I pray that Christian filmmakers grow into excellence. I pray these humble beginnings see their victory in the end.

Until then (and this is a whole different topic), I can really only see myself being salt and light outside the church, not creating Christian films, but being Jesus to the film industry. But I certainly can't do that with a critical, unloving spirit in my heart.

Right? (;

A mere mortal

From the City of Angels

Livin his dream