On Craigslist.
I bought a Breville juice extractor.
I was so excited. I'd wanted a juicer ever since I bought my dad one for Christmas. (This is actually a recurring theme--me buying him gifts I want for myself.) Not only did this mean I could have delicious unprocessed juice in the mornings, but it also meant I could perform the *classic* Los Angeles actor
juice cleanse.
No solid food, just fruit and vegetable juices. For ten days.
Before I even began, those 10 days shrank to a week-long, then 5-day, then 3-day cleanse. By the end of day 2, I accidentally drove to Chick-fil-A and got myself a spicy chicken deluxe.
Whatever.
Part of what's so hard about a juice cleanse is that you *can* eat, it just has to be juice. And you can drink til your stomach hurts, but you never really get that satisfied American full feeling.
I want that full feeling.
On some level, we all want that full feeling.
And by deduction, wanting that full feeling means we live knowing *even more* the feeling of being not-full.
Not complete.
Admittedly, actors feel things deeply, but I think artists are aware of this not-full-ness maybe more than the average person.
And the successes of non-Christians were making me feel not-full.
I was recently reading Psalm 73, and it was as if the psalmist was writing down my very thoughts:
"Truly God is good to Israel, to those who hearts are pure
But as for me, I almost lost my footing...
For I envied the proud when I saw them prosper despite their wickedness. They seem to live such painless lives; their bodies are so healthy and strong... They’re not plagued with problems like everyone else... These fat cats have everything their hearts could ever wish for! ...Look at these wicked people—enjoying a life of ease while their riches multiply."
And then the clincher emotion:
"Did I keep my heart pure for nothing? Did I keep myself innocent for no reason?"
We all feel incomplete. Professionally, financially, socially.
Perhaps you do too.
Because of that, our modus operandi is to constantly seek what we can take from people. Every relationship turns into *filling me*.
What can this other actor do for me? What doors can this casting director open for me? How can this relationship further me?
It's no wonder actors are known for being needy and flaky. And I totally relate.
I don't want to downplay the talent God has given me, but I can't tell you how many times I've...
browsed a headshot website and thought, "Wow. Those guys are way better looking than me."
walked by a gym. "They're way more physically fit than me."
taken a dance class. "Yeah, he can freestyle worlds better than I ever will."
been at a musical theatre audition. "His voice blows mine out of the water."
thought I was PERFECT for a role only to get passed up by someone *more* perfect.
And when this happens, there is
so
much
PRESSURE
to work harder and longer and to beat out the faster, smarter, better people who seem to be granted all life's opportunities,
to take the right workshops, be in the right classes, meet the right casting directors, self-produce the right material with the right people.
Or I won't get my fulfillment in life,
my full feeling.
"Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside."
I had a heart issue that needed to be addressed by Jesus.
A few weeks ago, Pastor Judah Smith preached a message about this topic. His key verse was John 1:16.
"From his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace."
We can operate from His fullness.
Jesus has no deficiency.
On this earth, His default interaction was looking for creative ways to add value to people. He emptied himself completely. Now, His relationship with me is *for* me.
Judah says, "This reality is available to us by simply trusting Jesus; it eradicates the insecurity of 'I don't measure up,' and 'I'm not enough'."
How much dream-worrying would be sucked out of life if I received from His fullness?
What would my life look like as an employee, as a friend, as an artist, if I related and loved people from a full place? How would I give
and serve
and add value?
"CHRIST IS ALL THAT MATTERS... Clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults... Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts." - Paul, to the Colossians
When I receive fullness and completeness that comes from Jesus, I can also allow him to be my perfect timing.
When my gifts seem five-loaves-and-two-fish kind of underwhelming, when other artists seem to be brimming with an arsenal of gifts and abilities far exceeding mine, I can remind myself that the perfect gift-giver is also the perfect gift-user.
And because of Him, I am complete. And with that, He can feed multitudes... until they're full.
A mere mortal
From the City of Angels
Livin his dream
Posts
