the one about Jessie J

I was in 3rd grade when someone first asked me if I was gay. He was the older brother of my best friend--asked because of some hand gesture I made. Or something. I forget exactly what. At the time, I didn't even know what "gay" meant.

Looking back, I do know that it was an attack from the enemy on my identity. This particular attack continued throughout my life.

In middle school, I became close friends with two boys during one summer. When school came around, they transformed into huge immature jerks. They were wannabe bullies who disrespected girls--including my sister--teachers, outsiders, and me. Outside of school, we were sort of friends, but the damage of betrayal was done. There arose a huge disconnect between my male peers and me.

I also had a church youth pastor who, along with his wife, regularly called me "fruity" for years. Another church youth leader said to my face that, at one point, she "thought I liked boys."

I had a girlfriend who pushed the boundaries of what I was comfortable with, physically. When I hesitated to reciprocate, her reaction was "Why? Am I not attractive? What's wrong with me?" That reaction eventually evolved into: "What's wrong with you?"

When I moved to LA for college, the fire got hotter.

"It's okay that you're gay." "You're gay; you just don't know it yet." "You're not gay? Coulda fooled me."

Yeah.

After graduating, I met with a recommended acting coach to possibly continue my training in her classes. She insisted I was gay. "You're not gay? You like vagina?" When I wouldn't back down, she matter-of-factly stated, "Well you have a very gay energy. You're way more bubbly than a straight man, and were you to come work with me, I'd want you to really explore your heterosexual side."

That really got to me. The devil told me that a Christian joy I had--and had embraced as special--was coming across gay.
 

Then, somewhere around that time, a male Christian friend of mine--someone I trusted and respected and expected to be watching out for me--made a mistake. There were a couple instances, behind closed doors, of inappropriate touching between us. There was no genital contact; it didn't go far. But I knew it wasn't right. It was unsettling. It made me feel

really, really sad,

really confused,

and doubtful...

about him,

and God,

and myself.

An amalgam of all the enemy's untruths about my identity had come to my doorstep...

and quietly lurked...

waiting for me to open the door.

St. Irenaeus once said, "The glory of God is man fully alive." Waking the Dead by John Eldredge is based on this quote. The quote, at first glance, sounds humanist. That is, until one understands that you are created in the image of God, from a specific place in God's heart. Each person has a specific purpose, and when Christ redeems your heart, that purpose is Christlikeness in your unique form. Each person fully living out his/her unique Christlikeness--that is the glory of God.

And the enemy will attack it.

Ephesians 6 says, "This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels."

And he's

ruthless,

unprincipled,

dirty.

He will steal that glory from the young, attempt to kill the glory in the innocent, and destroy the remaining glory from the weak. 1 Peter says he prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.

And get this: the Devil will tempt friends, family, and church members to do to someone what he is doing to someone. John Eldredge points out that there truly is a spiritual pull (for Christians and nonChristians) alike to use the abused, give up on the abandoned, and despise the rejected.

That's what happened to me.

My family moved a lot while I was growing up. It was up to my sister and me to adapt. The pressure to fit in, to be a chameleon, made me hyper-sensitive to what people thought of me. The devil knew exactly how to attack.

But by God's infinite grace, He also protected me. And the best part:

He had been protecting me through it all. For example:

In elementary school, I had Christian media for kids, including Commander Kellie and the Superkids. Along with my parents, the Superkids had a message: "You have to know who you are in Jesus/ You gotta know where you stand, and you'll never fall/".

In middle school, I was introduced to teaching from Edwin Louis Cole. His mantra: "Manhood and Christlikeness are synonymous."

In high school, God brought two different older brother figures into my life who encouraged and nurtured my creativity and theatrical talents, showing me excellence in using them for God's glory.

In LA, God surrounded me with a Christian brotherhood and a community of Christian actors. Daily, I'm wildly encouraged by our common passions for Christ and art and the Hollywood community.

So, a few weeks ago, a close family friend made a gay joke about me at the dinner table. It stung a little bit--but only because she'd never hurt me like that before. Other than that, *smiles* it was like water off a duck's oily back.

Besides the fact that I know I'm straight (I've never had crushes on boys, I'm a little bit into black girls, etc. etc., *laughs out loud*), my identity is wrapped up in something else.

See, in Los Angeles, knowing who you are on the outside is of critical importance. It's called "knowing your type." Your headshots have to reflect this. We struggle to figure this out. And then once we have an idea of our type, we often hate it (even though God is practically obsessed with how He's made us--Ps 139).

But the bigger question--and everyone in Hollywood knows it--is about who you are on the inside. This question of identity is the crux of our nation’s worldview.

“Be yourself.”

“Do you.”

The relatively new chart-topper Jessie J has a song called "Who You Are" with lyrics that exactly describe what the U.S. is saying these days. "Don't lose who you are/"

But who are we?

Can we find identity in our jobs? In our accomplishments? In our failures? In our social circles? In our sexual orientation? We can sure as heck try. But does finding our identity in any of these really make us

Truly secure?

Truly seen?

Truly known?

Ephesians 2:10 says we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. Christ Jesus has taken the beautiful craftsmanship of God, and made it possible for that art to do the good things it was destined to do. I know who I am.

We belong to Christ (Eph 1:3), 

the Holy Spirit is our guarantee (Eph 1:14),

and we can share in his power (Eph 1:19-23). THIS is who we are!

If that doesn’t seem to answer the question of “what is my identity?”, it’s only because this world and its systems

don’t know how to register that information as identity.

It's been a slow realization and a HUGE lesson learned: My identity does not lie in how people perceive me.

Nor does it lie in the relative and rapidly shifting U.S. cultural standards of machismo.

My identity is wrapped up in what Someone else says about me.

A mere mortal

From the City of Angeles

Livin his dream

the one about Relentlessness (part 2)

Sometimes, when we want to win, our greatest challenge is to simply believe His Word over our existing conditions.


*shakes head*


So, I just got an email from my agency. They're dropping me theatrically (read: for film/tv). It's sort of adding insult to injury, really, since the theatrical agent there has never sent me on a film or television audition. Bothers me.


In attempt to obtain some good representation, this year I've been performing in some agent/manager showcases. Essentially, I put up a scene or monologue in front of representation and hopefully they like me enough to take me on.


I recently got an email from a manager at a *huge* LA management company that I *really* wanted. It said, 


"I had to privilege of seeing you at the showcase last night ...and wanted to let you know that I thought you were fantastic! You’re incredibly adorable with a great sense of comedy. You definitely have something special..."


It continued, "...and if I hadn’t recently signed someone who is developmental and has a very similar look and feel as you I'd love to represent you."


Frick. 


So encouraging. And also heartbreaking.


That day, I was pretty low. Discouraged, for sure. 


And it came on the heels of a conversation I'd had with a friend a few days earlier. He'd asked me, knowing that my life as a surviving actor is hard, how I keep it up.


I told him of my community of actors and friends who support me. I told him of my trust in God's timing.


I forgot to tell him that God graciously gives me a spirit of relentlessness.


One of my heroes says that the one who stays in the community the longest, wins the community. I feel the same can be said about Hollywood. Stick it out long enough, care long enough, suffer for the cause long enough, and you will eventually win it over.


Not only will you win. I'll have become a Christlike winner.


Paul tells us in Philippians that it has been granted to us to suffer for Christ. For some reason, he finds that it is a *gift*.


In his book, Waking the Dead, John Eldredge wastes no time in asking a very hard question: why is life so freaking hard? Where is this glorious, more-than-conquering victory we're supposed to know?


Life is hard because we amidst a very real war against a very real enemy. Jesus makes this clear. Our enemy's "purpose is to steal and kill and destroy." Sounds heavy. Especially since he later adds, "Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows."


And then the game-changer:


"But take heart, because I have overcome the world."


So, he promises suffering. The logical thing to do would be to arm oneself. This way, we don't react to it out of bewilderment or some sort of knee-jerk shock. In Ephesians 6 (MSG), Paul explains:


"God is strong, and he wants you strong. 


So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. 


This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. 


This is for keeps, 


a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.


Be prepared."


I heard a John Bevere message about this critical preparation not too long ago. He says:


To prepare, know that you have the power to remain firm. No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. 


Remember that God will never let you down; 


He'll never let you be pushed past your limit; 


He'll always be there to help you come through it.


Also, the devil does *not* have free access to you. The Father only allows tests so we can have victory against the devil. This only magnifies how good God is. In fact, all suffering for righteousness, when endured with God's strength, is profitable. Its results are always glorious. It strengthens us in our call.

To prepare, know that you *never* have to lose. God leads us from place to place in one 


perpetual victory parade. 


No weapon that can hurt you has ever been forged.


To prepare, you must embrace a positive attitude toward adversity. God's grace is empowerment; it is all you need, demonstrating its strength in anything you can't humanly overcome. 


So you can take heart! Abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks, 


being rejected by managers and agents--


just let Christ take over! And so the weaker you get, the stronger you become.

The good news is, the more you defeat enemy traps, engagements, and encampments along the way, the more experienced and battle-savvy you become. 


I once had a school administrator with the mantra: "Everything in life is a test." I would say, every test in life is endurance training, baby! It increases your capacity to handle future challenges. 


God will allow trials to *simulate the level of pressure in your future*, which is why they always seem beyond what you're currently ready for.

James 1:4 -- So let [your capacity] grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be *perfect and complete*, needing nothing.

In this light, adversity is *exciting*! It is opportunity-creating! Yeah, to a very real extent, it sucks. Rejection and discouragement aren't fun. But a relentlessness that see these times as gifts... well that puts us on the way to a new level of authority and power!


It makes you a winner.


A mere mortal


From the City of Angels


Livin his dream