the one about Juice

I bought a juicer.

On Craigslist.

I bought a Breville juice extractor. 

I was so excited. I'd wanted a juicer ever since I bought my dad one for Christmas. (This is actually a recurring theme--me buying him gifts I want for myself.) Not only did this mean I could have delicious unprocessed juice in the mornings, but it also meant I could perform the *classic* Los Angeles actor

juice cleanse.

No solid food, just fruit and vegetable juices. For ten days.

Before I even began, those 10 days shrank to a week-long, then 5-day, then 3-day cleanse. By the end of day 2, I accidentally drove to Chick-fil-A and got myself a spicy chicken deluxe.

Whatever.

Part of what's so hard about a juice cleanse is that you *can* eat, it just has to be juice. And you can drink til your stomach hurts, but you never really get that satisfied American full feeling.

I want that full feeling.

On some level, we all want that full feeling.

And by deduction, wanting that full feeling means we live knowing *even more* the feeling of being not-full.

Not complete.

Admittedly, actors feel things deeply, but I think artists are aware of this not-full-ness maybe more than the average person.

And the successes of non-Christians were making me feel not-full.

I was recently reading Psalm 73, and it was as if the psalmist was writing down my very thoughts:

"Truly God is good to Israel, to those who hearts are pure

But as for me, I almost lost my footing...

For I envied the proud when I saw them prosper despite their wickedness. They seem to live such painless lives; their bodies are so healthy and strong... They’re not plagued with problems like everyone else... These fat cats have everything their hearts could ever wish for! ...Look at these wicked people—enjoying a life of ease while their riches multiply."

And then the clincher emotion:

"Did I keep my heart pure for nothing? Did I keep myself innocent for no reason?"

It exposed the sentiment in me that I felt incomplete. And looking at the aspiring actors around me, I'm in good company.

We all feel incomplete. Professionally, financially, socially.

Perhaps you do too.

Because of that, our modus operandi is to constantly seek what we can take from people. Every relationship turns into *filling me*.

What can this other actor do for me? What doors can this casting director open for me? How can this relationship further me?

It's no wonder actors are known for being needy and flaky. And I totally relate.

I don't want to downplay the talent God has given me, but I can't tell you how many times I've...

browsed a headshot website and thought, "Wow. Those guys are way better looking than me."

walked by a gym. "They're way more physically fit than me."

taken a dance class. "Yeah, he can freestyle worlds better than I ever will."

been at a musical theatre audition. "His voice blows mine out of the water."

thought I was PERFECT for a role only to get passed up by someone *more* perfect.

And when this happens, there is 

so

much

PRESSURE

to work harder and longer and to beat out the faster, smarter, better people who seem to be granted all life's opportunities,

to take the right workshops, be in the right classes, meet the right casting directors, self-produce the right material with the right people.

Or I won't get my fulfillment in life,

my full feeling.

Back to the psalmist in Ps 73. It finally dawns on him to seek wisdom in an encounter with God (v 17, "Then I went into your sanctuary, O God, and I finally understood..."), and lo and behold, God shows him (read: me)--

"Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside."

I had a heart issue that needed to be addressed by Jesus.

A few weeks ago, Pastor Judah Smith preached a message about this topic. His key verse was John 1:16.

"From his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace."

We can operate from His fullness.

Jesus has no deficiency.

On this earth, His default interaction was looking for creative ways to add value to people. He emptied himself completely. Now, His relationship with me is *for* me.

Judah says, "This reality is available to us by simply trusting Jesus; it eradicates the insecurity of 'I don't measure up,' and 'I'm not enough'."

How much dream-worrying would be sucked out of life if I received from His fullness?

What would my life look like as an employee, as a friend, as an artist, if I related and loved people from a full place? How would I give

and serve

and add value?

"CHRIST IS ALL THAT MATTERS... Clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults... Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts." - Paul, to the Colossians

When I receive fullness and completeness that comes from Jesus, I can also allow him to be my perfect timing.

When my gifts seem five-loaves-and-two-fish kind of underwhelming, when other artists seem to be brimming with an arsenal of gifts and abilities far exceeding mine, I can remind myself that the perfect gift-giver is also the perfect gift-user.

And because of Him, I am complete. And with that, He can feed multitudes... until they're full.

A mere mortal

From the City of Angels

Livin his dream

The one about Glee

*Note: I began drafting this blog long before the sad death of Cory Monteith. This post is not meant to capitalize on tragedy, however thematically timely.*

"Hey Jonathan, I just sent you an audition and wanted to make sure you got it. It's for Glee. The audition's this Sunday, is that okay?"

My mouth dropped open.

My manager had called to tell me about my fifth audition that week. Friggin unheard of, for me. Not only that, but it was for a recurring singing role

on Glee.

Holy cow. Glee.

Let me explain my excitement: When the pilot episode of Glee aired in May 2009, the musical theatre kids of America went wild, celebrating with Harry Potter marathons and choreographing dances. Aeschylus saw us from heaven and granted a TV show... perfect for us. Finally. I watched that pilot probably a dozen times in a row.

I immediately proceeded to retreat to my bedroom and make my audition tape.

See, FOX was testing the show out and the next episodes weren't airing until fall. So, I recorded myself singing "Family" from Dreamgirls--a little cheesy and yet a little perfect--and burned it to a DVD. I didn't know who specifically was casting the show, but I did know the office. I basically addressed it "to whomever holds the key to my future" and snail-mailed that baby in.

Of course, it was an unsolicited mailing from a random kid with no agent. And because the show was a huge hit, it became impossible to get an audition with that casting office. I never heard back.

Later, jerks, they did this myspace competition for a chance to be on the show. Everyone uploaded a video. (In fact, my video is still probably floating around out there somewhere and maybe I should delete it.) Well, that competition was quietly cancelled and replaced by a full-blown reality competition show on Oxygen.

But nothing could get me on the show. I didn't have any representation powerful enough to get me in the room. 

And then (as I've blogged before) I had a certain friend land a recurring role during season 2.

It was torture.

As the seasons progressed, the show went downhill. The stories grew tiresome, the songs grew radio-driven, and the magic fizzled. I stopped watching.

Now, years later, I had an audition for a singing role on the show.

At my dining table, God spoke to me:

"See?

Do you see my faithful goodness? Do you see the ability of my hand to put you in any audition room I see fit?

Do you see where you used to be and where I've brought you now?

Do you see that if I had wanted you on the show in its first season, I could have done so?

Do you see that I will use you in the way that best brings glory to me?"

It was so powerful. I used to see (aka idolize) the show as a door of opportunity and dreams that God was withholding from me. And now I was in a place where God was providing me with auditions and when this one came up, it wasn't a bigger deal than any other audition.

Maybe I wasn't ready a few years ago for the life that comes along with being on a hit TV show. The sudden death of Cory reminds me that I don't know a thing about the burdens that more successful people carry.

However, I think the timing on this audition is more about God saying, "You're not Glee because, right now, it is most strategic for My kingdom for you not to be on Glee."

And doesn't that apply to every area of our lives? Relationships? Finances? 

If we live our lives in obedience to God, to the best of our abilities, then we have to trust that the areas frustrating us are matters of strategic timing for the Kingdom of God.

A mere mortal

From the City of Angels

Livin his dream

The one about 2012

So, I don't really journal. But a year in tweets was kind of the same thing. 

Compiling this, I re-visited the highlights of 2012, thanking God for goals met and life lived. (I also discovered how much I tweet at Bieber. Oops!)

(#LTD = Livin the dream, #smh = shaking my head, #dtla = downtown Los Angeles)

Here are a few tweets from each month providing insight into the life of a surviving actor, an Angeleno, and a Christian:

5 Jan

Leavin MIA. I can't think of a better way to have started my year. #blessed. @JasonLamson, ur a stud. #LivinTheDream Tooooo Caliiii!

9 Jan

My life is SO #blessed every game night. #LTD @DrBubblesMD @titusmakin @melissa_hays @GabrielleDLG @Cornelldavisjr @Aarontainment @curtmega

12 Jan

At rehearsal late. Comforting to know that even tho the guests leave, the magic doesn't.

2 Feb

Someone's poodle crawled into my fitting room at the mall. #soLA

8 Feb

At the LACC, PAing the MusiCares show, a pre-#Grammy benefit concert. I'll see celebs this wknd, but I'm still not as cool as @cameronernst.

23 Feb

Looking at a "Chase freedom" MasterCard. #irony @DaveRamsey

25 Feb

In the Dream Center Studio today w/@joshcumbeemusic @Erika_Georgiou. 8 artists, 7 songs, and 1 day making music magic happen.

1 Mar

Celebrating! Wearin my @justinbieber tee, plans to watch NSN, buying some JB swag, blasting "Bigger". #Believe it. He's 18.

8 Mar

Dragged @JasonLamson to watch me in class at Edge. Surprising how he liked it way better when cute dancers started talkin to him. #soLA

8 Mar

Devos at Griffith Park. #LTD

8 Mar

Saw the Facebook show at Upright Citizens Brigade w/@ohkate89 @JasonLamson @rushmore08 n took bout 200 stairs 1 at a time. #LTD

23 Mar

I'm at Grand Central Market for the first time. (I'm a little behind; I've lived #dtla for 7 months now.)

24 Mar

Yes! Hi. Larious! @monkeybutlerla improv show--doing Buddhism and Calvinism jokes.

4 Apr

"@MatthewBarnett: Your talent will get you through the door, your tenacity will take you down the hall." #actors #hollywood

8 Apr

Headed to OC for a Wirick Easter w/@derekstusynski and @joeyloomis. :D!! We're "freeway serenading" the ladies who'll pay attention. #LTD

10 Apr

Yep. That homeless lady at Pershing Square was meow-ing at me. #soLA

11 Apr

LOVED teaching @JordanJansen some sweet moves to 1 of his songs. Then he rocked it out w/@ISAIAH61Dance on cam. @joshcumbeemusic

15 Apr

Commence principal photography on Greg & Joe 3! The third installment of everyone's fav epic web series. @joethans

21 Apr

Celebrating my stand-up debut @TheLabUSC. Eating what we believe *might be* manna. #LTD pic.twitter.com/y4zWMQjh

26 Apr

Woo! Soarin Over California w/my sis. #AndThenIHitMyDougie

29 Apr

Just dropped @ruschjessica back at LAX. :'( Best weekend of my life, y u no last forever?!!

4 May

I love LA's faces. So diverse. I love the personalities. The crazy. The creativity. The potential for God's glory. Best city in the world.

19 May

Chillin outside in San Diego w/Derek Roth at indie coffee shop. This is paradise. No twitpic could show it. #LTD

23 May

Auditioned for a commercial...in Spanish. Me gustaaa! Lol.

10 Jun

What happens at #BillyBobs stays at Billy Bobs. #Texas #TwoStep #LineDancing #Blondes #Boots #CougarNamedPeggy #LTD @cameronernst

16 Jun

All the lies (incl my last tweet) paid off! Surprised my #mom @Iheartdsw for her 50th. Party was *awesome*. Now we're eating cereal. #happy

14 Jul

"@JoyceMeyer: You will never get what you want as long as you're jealous of what other people have." #acting

18 Jul

"@MatthewBarnett: Never rush a process to get to a long term goal." #acting

18 Jul

Just had an audition where we--no joke--played Freeze Dance. The theater games I teach to 8-year-olds at #camp are *REAL*.

22 Jul

Hiked to a waterfall today w/ @spenserjones @catrionareid & Vanessa #needstwitter @joshcumbeemusic & @Erika_Georgiou. Now at In-n-out! #LTD

16 Aug

I had #ChickFilA for bfast on Sat and then again every day this week. Clearly, I have no accountability. 

27 Aug

How much do I love AGO #Rush? So much. Always have, always will.

28 Aug

Getting ready for my 1st day of training at Bottega! I feel like it's the 1st day of school. (Ehhh...except for the non-slip shoes part.)

13 Sep

Any other #actors just get that casting call for "Weightloss Candidate #2"? No? :/ I find that a step down even from "Frightened Inmate #2".

16 Sep

So weird. I'm an iPhone owner for the 1st time ever. Startin on a 4S. We'll see...

19 Sep

It's like we connect over #food or sthg. 1st @drlangley1 and I had BCDs in Ktown, then we had @Milkshakes247 in WeHo. (Be jealous, Mom.)

21 Sep

“@StevenMWhite: My roommate just sold his car. I haven't even done that yet. #Amazing #CarFree" How do I get to my audition in Burbank tmw?

29 Sep

Tooooo LODIIIIIII...! For @GetMcGlad's wedding! W/ @StevenMWhite @KarterDiane and Allen Kryder pic.twitter.com/HwQiK6i3

7 Oct

On worship team @AngelusTempleLA, with @RachaelLampa singing. Plus I'm projecting big #fantasy numbers. #winning (bc of #Jesus)

7 Oct

Dear Lord, I need a helper. I mean, thx for the Holy Spirit, but I also need a *laundry* helper. Amen.

17 Oct

Saw writer Mitch Miller @DrBubblesMD, workshopping his screenplay. #soLA

21 Oct

Sometimes, I like to play the game "Method Actor or Crazy Homeless Person?" In downtown LA, it's a *really* hard game. 

30 Oct

Havin Mom come visit is uh-MAY-zing. Clean laundry, choc chip cookies, compliments... :D @Iheartdsw

6 Nov

Projecting on a 8'x20' screen at an #Election2012 party, wearing my camouflage Coors Light hat & patriotic button. MURICA!

18 Nov

BAHAHA!! #soLA!! Spotted at Farmer's Market in the valley. Notice that there's FREE ADJACENT DOG-SITTING. #smh

23 Nov

Wrappin up T-day w/ The Blind Side. Seriously, did smn create the perfect holiday? Yes. God did. #LTD

4 Dec

Just left my manager's office at @newwavetweets. So so blessed to have a rep who believes in me as much as my mom does!

13 Dec

Christmas Candlelight at #disneyland

17 Dec

PTL! PTL!! It's here at last! My new Suzuki GSX650! Shwing!

23 Dec

@mely1018 Aren't you Mayan? Shouldn't you be recalling a bunch of calendars? Like, MILLIONS of calendars? (Ticked off.)

24 Dec

Welp. Got stuck in a middle seat on this @SouthwestAir flight. But does it really matter when the #Seahawks are going to the playoffs?

28 Dec
If you've never ridden Harleys w/your dad, you should try it! #dec #photoaday Day 28: #ABeautifulSight

2012 was an awesome year. SO so grateful.

Here comes 2013, the year of confidence!

A mere mortal

From the City of Angels

Livin his dream

the one about Jessie J

I was in 3rd grade when someone first asked me if I was gay. He was the older brother of my best friend--asked because of some hand gesture I made. Or something. I forget exactly what. At the time, I didn't even know what "gay" meant.

Looking back, I do know that it was an attack from the enemy on my identity. This particular attack continued throughout my life.

In middle school, I became close friends with two boys during one summer. When school came around, they transformed into huge immature jerks. They were wannabe bullies who disrespected girls--including my sister--teachers, outsiders, and me. Outside of school, we were sort of friends, but the damage of betrayal was done. There arose a huge disconnect between my male peers and me.

I also had a church youth pastor who, along with his wife, regularly called me "fruity" for years. Another church youth leader said to my face that, at one point, she "thought I liked boys."

I had a girlfriend who pushed the boundaries of what I was comfortable with, physically. When I hesitated to reciprocate, her reaction was "Why? Am I not attractive? What's wrong with me?" That reaction eventually evolved into: "What's wrong with you?"

When I moved to LA for college, the fire got hotter.

"It's okay that you're gay." "You're gay; you just don't know it yet." "You're not gay? Coulda fooled me."

Yeah.

After graduating, I met with a recommended acting coach to possibly continue my training in her classes. She insisted I was gay. "You're not gay? You like vagina?" When I wouldn't back down, she matter-of-factly stated, "Well you have a very gay energy. You're way more bubbly than a straight man, and were you to come work with me, I'd want you to really explore your heterosexual side."

That really got to me. The devil told me that a Christian joy I had--and had embraced as special--was coming across gay.
 

Then, somewhere around that time, a male Christian friend of mine--someone I trusted and respected and expected to be watching out for me--made a mistake. There were a couple instances, behind closed doors, of inappropriate touching between us. There was no genital contact; it didn't go far. But I knew it wasn't right. It was unsettling. It made me feel

really, really sad,

really confused,

and doubtful...

about him,

and God,

and myself.

An amalgam of all the enemy's untruths about my identity had come to my doorstep...

and quietly lurked...

waiting for me to open the door.

St. Irenaeus once said, "The glory of God is man fully alive." Waking the Dead by John Eldredge is based on this quote. The quote, at first glance, sounds humanist. That is, until one understands that you are created in the image of God, from a specific place in God's heart. Each person has a specific purpose, and when Christ redeems your heart, that purpose is Christlikeness in your unique form. Each person fully living out his/her unique Christlikeness--that is the glory of God.

And the enemy will attack it.

Ephesians 6 says, "This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels."

And he's

ruthless,

unprincipled,

dirty.

He will steal that glory from the young, attempt to kill the glory in the innocent, and destroy the remaining glory from the weak. 1 Peter says he prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.

And get this: the Devil will tempt friends, family, and church members to do to someone what he is doing to someone. John Eldredge points out that there truly is a spiritual pull (for Christians and nonChristians) alike to use the abused, give up on the abandoned, and despise the rejected.

That's what happened to me.

My family moved a lot while I was growing up. It was up to my sister and me to adapt. The pressure to fit in, to be a chameleon, made me hyper-sensitive to what people thought of me. The devil knew exactly how to attack.

But by God's infinite grace, He also protected me. And the best part:

He had been protecting me through it all. For example:

In elementary school, I had Christian media for kids, including Commander Kellie and the Superkids. Along with my parents, the Superkids had a message: "You have to know who you are in Jesus/ You gotta know where you stand, and you'll never fall/".

In middle school, I was introduced to teaching from Edwin Louis Cole. His mantra: "Manhood and Christlikeness are synonymous."

In high school, God brought two different older brother figures into my life who encouraged and nurtured my creativity and theatrical talents, showing me excellence in using them for God's glory.

In LA, God surrounded me with a Christian brotherhood and a community of Christian actors. Daily, I'm wildly encouraged by our common passions for Christ and art and the Hollywood community.

So, a few weeks ago, a close family friend made a gay joke about me at the dinner table. It stung a little bit--but only because she'd never hurt me like that before. Other than that, *smiles* it was like water off a duck's oily back.

Besides the fact that I know I'm straight (I've never had crushes on boys, I'm a little bit into black girls, etc. etc., *laughs out loud*), my identity is wrapped up in something else.

See, in Los Angeles, knowing who you are on the outside is of critical importance. It's called "knowing your type." Your headshots have to reflect this. We struggle to figure this out. And then once we have an idea of our type, we often hate it (even though God is practically obsessed with how He's made us--Ps 139).

But the bigger question--and everyone in Hollywood knows it--is about who you are on the inside. This question of identity is the crux of our nation’s worldview.

“Be yourself.”

“Do you.”

The relatively new chart-topper Jessie J has a song called "Who You Are" with lyrics that exactly describe what the U.S. is saying these days. "Don't lose who you are/"

But who are we?

Can we find identity in our jobs? In our accomplishments? In our failures? In our social circles? In our sexual orientation? We can sure as heck try. But does finding our identity in any of these really make us

Truly secure?

Truly seen?

Truly known?

Ephesians 2:10 says we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. Christ Jesus has taken the beautiful craftsmanship of God, and made it possible for that art to do the good things it was destined to do. I know who I am.

We belong to Christ (Eph 1:3), 

the Holy Spirit is our guarantee (Eph 1:14),

and we can share in his power (Eph 1:19-23). THIS is who we are!

If that doesn’t seem to answer the question of “what is my identity?”, it’s only because this world and its systems

don’t know how to register that information as identity.

It's been a slow realization and a HUGE lesson learned: My identity does not lie in how people perceive me.

Nor does it lie in the relative and rapidly shifting U.S. cultural standards of machismo.

My identity is wrapped up in what Someone else says about me.

A mere mortal

From the City of Angeles

Livin his dream

the one about Relentlessness (part 2)

Sometimes, when we want to win, our greatest challenge is to simply believe His Word over our existing conditions.


*shakes head*


So, I just got an email from my agency. They're dropping me theatrically (read: for film/tv). It's sort of adding insult to injury, really, since the theatrical agent there has never sent me on a film or television audition. Bothers me.


In attempt to obtain some good representation, this year I've been performing in some agent/manager showcases. Essentially, I put up a scene or monologue in front of representation and hopefully they like me enough to take me on.


I recently got an email from a manager at a *huge* LA management company that I *really* wanted. It said, 


"I had to privilege of seeing you at the showcase last night ...and wanted to let you know that I thought you were fantastic! You’re incredibly adorable with a great sense of comedy. You definitely have something special..."


It continued, "...and if I hadn’t recently signed someone who is developmental and has a very similar look and feel as you I'd love to represent you."


Frick. 


So encouraging. And also heartbreaking.


That day, I was pretty low. Discouraged, for sure. 


And it came on the heels of a conversation I'd had with a friend a few days earlier. He'd asked me, knowing that my life as a surviving actor is hard, how I keep it up.


I told him of my community of actors and friends who support me. I told him of my trust in God's timing.


I forgot to tell him that God graciously gives me a spirit of relentlessness.


One of my heroes says that the one who stays in the community the longest, wins the community. I feel the same can be said about Hollywood. Stick it out long enough, care long enough, suffer for the cause long enough, and you will eventually win it over.


Not only will you win. I'll have become a Christlike winner.


Paul tells us in Philippians that it has been granted to us to suffer for Christ. For some reason, he finds that it is a *gift*.


In his book, Waking the Dead, John Eldredge wastes no time in asking a very hard question: why is life so freaking hard? Where is this glorious, more-than-conquering victory we're supposed to know?


Life is hard because we amidst a very real war against a very real enemy. Jesus makes this clear. Our enemy's "purpose is to steal and kill and destroy." Sounds heavy. Especially since he later adds, "Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows."


And then the game-changer:


"But take heart, because I have overcome the world."


So, he promises suffering. The logical thing to do would be to arm oneself. This way, we don't react to it out of bewilderment or some sort of knee-jerk shock. In Ephesians 6 (MSG), Paul explains:


"God is strong, and he wants you strong. 


So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. 


This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. 


This is for keeps, 


a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.


Be prepared."


I heard a John Bevere message about this critical preparation not too long ago. He says:


To prepare, know that you have the power to remain firm. No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. 


Remember that God will never let you down; 


He'll never let you be pushed past your limit; 


He'll always be there to help you come through it.


Also, the devil does *not* have free access to you. The Father only allows tests so we can have victory against the devil. This only magnifies how good God is. In fact, all suffering for righteousness, when endured with God's strength, is profitable. Its results are always glorious. It strengthens us in our call.

To prepare, know that you *never* have to lose. God leads us from place to place in one 


perpetual victory parade. 


No weapon that can hurt you has ever been forged.


To prepare, you must embrace a positive attitude toward adversity. God's grace is empowerment; it is all you need, demonstrating its strength in anything you can't humanly overcome. 


So you can take heart! Abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks, 


being rejected by managers and agents--


just let Christ take over! And so the weaker you get, the stronger you become.

The good news is, the more you defeat enemy traps, engagements, and encampments along the way, the more experienced and battle-savvy you become. 


I once had a school administrator with the mantra: "Everything in life is a test." I would say, every test in life is endurance training, baby! It increases your capacity to handle future challenges. 


God will allow trials to *simulate the level of pressure in your future*, which is why they always seem beyond what you're currently ready for.

James 1:4 -- So let [your capacity] grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be *perfect and complete*, needing nothing.

In this light, adversity is *exciting*! It is opportunity-creating! Yeah, to a very real extent, it sucks. Rejection and discouragement aren't fun. But a relentlessness that see these times as gifts... well that puts us on the way to a new level of authority and power!


It makes you a winner.


A mere mortal


From the City of Angels


Livin his dream

the one about Adventure Now

I have a few recommendations for anyone who finds themselves in one of those days where you're sicky, or where the weather is blustery and you don't feel like reading (and who does?), or where you just want to enjoy a webseries.


First is "Dorm Life" (funny for anyone who went to college or ever had a roommate). Second is "Good Job, Thanks" (outrageously funny for actors and casting directors).


Third is "Adventure Now." Originally a film project for Fuge camps, each season follows a guy named Walt on his increasingly awesome adventures.


I see a quality in the lives of certain people that I desire. My actor friend from game night constantly has a new audition to prepare for, a new rehearsal to attend, a new state to fly to for filming a new movie. Another friend works for Coach Carroll and the Seahawks. Because of the nature of the sports world, every day at work brings him something different from the day before, a different place to travel to, different sights to see. Someone like Kari Jobe always has an exciting writing/recording session to tweet about, an exciting place to lead worship, an exciting new song to release.


Are you seeing the desirable quality here?


My life lacks a sense of adventure that I so desperately want.


I'm not saying I'm not on an adventure. "The kid moves away from the comfort of suburbia to pursue acting in Los Angeles" sounds like an adventure to a T. But when the two years since graduating college can be summed up in "has learned a lot but, if we're being pragmatic, is nowhere closer to an acting career"... then dang. The sense of the adventure isn't there.


I mean, if I were reading any sort of adventure story, I would want the book to start with more excitement than my life adventure story has started with.


I know that part of this problem is my attitude. I choose how to see my life, to an extent. But on the other hand, 


part of this is real.


Perhaps this is a quarter-life crisis--a problem inextricable from youth. I'm looking at my peers and freaking out. I'm looking at my parents' generation, thinking about where they were in their lives at my age, and freaking out more.


The truth is: I have a fear that my life won't be awesome. I know my life is blessed beyond comprehension. But after all the promises about destiny,


after all the prophecies about my life,


after everything I've hoped I would do,


after everything I know about the character of God,


I fear my life won't be as epic as I've dared to dream it will be... because it makes no sense to me why it doesn't yet look even a tiny bit like I think it should.


My dad recently showed me a new perspective. He reminded me that, as I figure out my cause, and if everything seems to be off to a slow start, there's satisfaction to be found in knowing that God is pleased with a son that is willing to be obedient. In some seasons, seeking Him is the only activity He's worried about.


All that's very true and very comforting, but as Stella Adler truthfully noted, "We get nervous when we don't have something to do." Pleased as God may be, it's part of my nature to feel unfulfilled in just being willing. Basically, now that I've dealt with my envy for other people's success, I'm left with an unfulfilled desire for a sense of adventure. What am I supposed to do with that?


Several months ago, my church announced that Dec 11 would be "Miracle Offering Sunday," meaning it'll be a day where you give an offering of a size that shows that your faith is expecting something miraculous. A few months ago, I felt God impress on my heart a monetary number that freaked me out. I've always been a tither, but this number for an offering above my tithe was probably 15 or 20 times the largest offering I've ever given. It was about equal to what I pay in rent each month.


So I started saving. In the last few weeks, I really sacrificed a lot of luxuries in order to have that much money ready by the 11th. I was a little short on Sunday, so I went to the ATM and withdrew what I needed to make the goal. I withdrew, almost literally, my last dollar.


Service was amazing, but I was nervous the entire time because I knew that the offering was happening at the end of service.


God, this is my rent money You're asking me to give. Just making sure that's clear.


God, don't you know that I won't be making that much money waiting tables this month?


God, I ain't gonna have no money for Christmas presents this year.


All these thoughts swirled through my mind until I walked to the front and left that money on the altar. I slowly walked back to my seat.


And I cried.


I cried so hard.


I'd never felt like such a scared little kid


desperately clinging to the belief that this is what God wanted me to do.


I prayed, Lord, I'm believing you for a lot of things, but mostly, I want a sense of adventure returned to my life.


I was largely distracted the rest of the day until someone at church, out of nowhere, handed me a check. He said he was blessed by me and knew that a lot of other families were also blessed by my servanthood, so he wanted to bless me back. Later that night, I opened the check and was shocked to find the check was for


double the amount I had given in the offering.


Two times the amount exactly.


I was freaking. A wave of divine assurance washed over me like never before. I hadn't really asked the Lord for money, but he had taken what I had given, doubled it, and given it back


on the very same day.


At the same time, He had reassured me of the adventure I'm on. I believe the sense of my unique adventure is 


on the way.


A mere mortal


From the City of Angels


Livin his dream

the one about Game Night

Movie! One word! One syllable! Short! Shorty! Small! Little kid! Sounds like "me"? Sounds like "you"? Sounds like "myself"? Half that? Sounds like "my"? Sounds like "self"? ELF!

One of the best things about being an actor and having actor friends is Game Night on Sunday nights. It's nothing complicated. Mostly you get to meet new people and play epic rounds of charades.

At Game Night a couple weeks ago, a good friend of mine was there. He and I met while we were both hosting at a restaurant near Beverly Hills one summer. This friend, fresh off a movie with Vivica Fox, has been extremely blessed in his acting career. He asked how my acting has been going.

"It's not," I stated dryly. "Why?" he asked, truly not understanding. I replied, "You have a really awesome agent and manager team that gets you auditions all the time. I don't." Then he asked me why I didn't have a good agent. Right, I thought, because I can just go out an get one that easy. This is already a kind of touchy subject (if you read the one about Relentlessness). Slightly annoyed, I asked him how to get a good agent. As if it was the most logical thing ever, he replies, "You go to agent showcases where good agents go."


We talked about the specifics of which showcase to attend the next day. And I plan on observing one next week. So this is a step in a direction that I haven't tried yet.


This friend is invested in my success and also an awesome Christian brother. Thing is, it can also seem to be a very discouraging person to have in your life.


I look at this friend


with virtually the same training as I have,


same age,


the same youthful energetic vibe,


who started in literally the same hosting restaurant job as me,


and I wonder what in the world is going on? I told someone later that ultimately, my problem isn't at all with my friend, but that it's with God. 


"God, why does it seem like you favor one son over the other? Why does your son over here have a career while your son Jonathan has been left 


frustrated and confused


for years?


God, what the hell?"


Turns out that I really needed to hear a sermon called Running on Envy.


Rarely do we hear anything about how dangerous envy is. It is sin crippling to our futures. It exposes a very wrong view of how we see ourselves and our Father.


For most of us, it's not that we aren't happy when others are successful. Our problem surfaces when others are more successful than we are.


Whoa! I'm better than she is. I work harder than he does. What I do is awesome compared to what they do. Why do they get that? What's going on?


See it? The wrong mindset? I did. Envy caused the religious leaders to have Jesus crucified. Christ, more righteous than the innocent Abel, came to take the place of the guilty Cain. I had to repent. I had to ask God to help me replace envy


with a confident contentment in having the approval of God.


"But if we look forward to something we don't yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently." -- Paul, in Romans 8:25


A mere mortal


From the City of Angels


Livin his dream

the one about Relentlessness (part 1)

Youch. *grimaces*

About six weeks ago, I sat at a Starbucks in Santa Monica talking with a talent manager. (I know. #soLA, right?)

Until that point in time, I hadn't felt the pressing need to blog, because this "Christian Actor" hasn't been doing much acting.

Talk about frustrating.

To catch everyone up on my life since late February, I've joined the worship team at church (what a privilege and a blessing), begun attending a cold-reading workshop for actors and writers (super artsy), taken some casting director workshops, visited the east coast for my sister's college graduation, had an overall boring summer in which I took no vacations because I had no money, moved into a way cooler apartment, attended the wedding of my former roommate (thus the reason for needing to move into a way cooler apartment), won free Chick-fil-A for a year, and I've done a little laundry. Not necessarily in that order.

Getting to the point: it's sadly not too difficult to condense 270 days of my life into a paragraph.

For the most part, 2011 has largely felt like 2010 all over again... except this time, I'm coming up on *two* years out of college.

And all the unanswered questions

and frustrating feelings

and circumstances still not understood

that I *thought* would be resolved -- even if just a little bit --

require an exponentially growing amount of faith in the second year.

Now, if we're being practical, a large part of the reason that this year has felt like a fail is because my agent sucks. (I know a lot of actors say this or something similar, but my agency has got me a grand total of 2 auditions this year. Yeah......)

Dear agent: You're fired.

But of course, one cannot just go hire someone new. I've been in the process of finding new representation. I sent out 60-something postcards (have yet to hear back on those) ...and randomly ended up landing a meeting with this talent manager at Starbucks.

He told me A) that if I ever want auditions for any kind of half-hour comedy, I need some recognizable LA-based standup/improv/sketch training. USC is a great school, but won't cut it with the average casting director. He also told me B) that I'm in nowhere near good enough shape for television.

What?!

He said actors are losing jobs to underwear models, especially on shows and networks marketed to the young crowds. He said, "All the actors on those shows are ripped and shirtless in half their scenes. You're young. There's no reason you shouldn't have a 6-pack."

Youch.

Hard to hear. But okay. There's some truth in what he said, harsh as it was. I've never felt such real pressure to look a certain way in this industry.

A wise man once said in a highly inspiring book:

You will be criticized often. When it is off base, ignore it. When the criticism rings true, use it to improve what you do. Either way keep moving toward your cause.

So you know what? I started taking improv classes. And I'm hittin the gym like a manimal. Drinkin my protein. Being one of those guys.

Cuz if it makes me more capable of moving toward the cause within me, then it's valuable progress.

Take that, 2010.

A mere mortal

From the City of Angels

Livin his dream